my strong willed child

this was a type of child i had never heard of until soon after my first was born. and up until recently this term has made me cringe. with it comes a seemingly rigorous uphill path of parenting. through each developmental stage of my child, i have been struck by particular challenges that seem to be unique to us when searching for help from my “mom friends.” these struggles have quickly led me to believe that i am “failing” as a parent. the mom guilt has burdened me and left me in tears many days. you’ve seen us before, as Catherine Wilson explains in this article :

“For onlookers, that characteristic defiance can provide some entertaining drama: the pint-sized youngster, one table over in the restaurant, who holds his breath till his parents give up urging him to eat the broccoli; the pony-tailed ballerina who throws a tantrum because she’s not allowed to wear her winter boots (not just from the car to ballet class, but during the lesson); the teen at the hot dog stand who argues with his dad for a full 10 minutes over a five-second task: picking his napkin off the ground and dropping it in the garbage can.”

i have learned that strong willed is often mistaken as defiant, bratty, reckless, and disrespectful. i will be the last to make excuses for my child’s behavior as i realize that it does very well often fall into the above categories too but there are distinct times that it just seems “off” and “extreme.” sometimes her behavior is worrying, relentless, and intense that it just falls into a category of its own and that category is strong willed. being able to put a name to it allows me to change my expectations, adjust the way i parent her and even give myself a little bit of grace when i am beyond exhausted and frustrated. i hear often that strong willed children will grow up to be highly successful, driven and determined adults though the task of raising such a gem seems daunting at times when it looks like incessantly trying a new trick on the monkey bars until hands are calloused, arms shaking and words like “i’m a failure” are muttered. or a eraser smudge on the spelling homework unravels into an irrational fit and relentless distress over imperfection. or an unshakable determination to ride her bike, in the dark, to her school to claim an item she forgot to bring home (don’t worry, i did not allow that). i am the first to beg seasoned moms for advice, ask teachers and counselors for guidance and turn to experts for answers.

“Assertive by nature, a strong-willed child is driven to figure out Who is really in charge around here? As a result, they’re internally compelled to defy you – and that will be often – to test if your authority still holds. Or to put it another way, they’re driven to test if you’re still worthy of their respect.What parents of strong-willed children often miss is that, while their self-esteem is taking a bruising, so is their child’s. Beneath that tough I-don’t-care-and-you-can’t-make-me attitude may be a seriously wounded heart. It hurts to always be “the difficult one,” “the stubborn one,” the one rejected by classmates for being “too bossy.”” (Wilson)

what have i learned? to cheer her on loudly and celebrate any sign that she is learning to pull on the reigns of her wild bronco spirit. i don’t wish to tame her but for her to understand the giant but burdensome gift she has been blessed with and learn how to SOAR!