and then i rubbed her head

she placed my hand on the top of her head and motioned for me to rub in a circular motion. i thought she just had an itch but suddenly i could feel the relaxation overcome her tiny frame and her eyes gently closed. this bedtime tuck in was particularly tense yet fragile. just the night before she was so sick, riddled with fever after a day of throwing up. she wanted to snuggle close to me which was rare. and this night, just a short day after, she returned to her spunky, independent, energetic and somewhat defiant self. we argued and i had to raise my voice before bed. she and brother weren’t listening or following instructions, lately the norm, therefore our bedtime tuck in was rather tense. once the storm seemed to calm and i’m sorries were said, the simple gesture shook me. how did i, after nearly 7 years, not know about this magical spot on my daughter’s head? had she yearned for me to rub her head every night but i seemed to be in a rush or eager to get the lights out? i am constantly reminded of Christ’s love for me through parenting. how often am i hard to love yet He is constantly rubbing my head just the way He knows i love.

i am guilty of staying busy, whether it is chores around the house or even *sigh* numbing my mind with my phone. sometimes stillness is still scary and unpredictable for me…(this is why). i miss opportunities to connect with my kids on the simplest level. i have lately tried to be intentional about just “being present” with them, sitting next to them while they are playing, kneeling down to meet their eyes and asking silly questions, tickling, making funny faces or voices to cultivate those tiny giggles i love so much. and even saying “yes” when they are most likely expecting a “no.” it’s the small things, mommas, rub their head, meet their eyes, stick your tongue out….and you might capture one of those moments that will give your heart enough courage to be present more often.

(nancy tillman)

this children’s author has challenged me lately and encouraged me to see the unique gifts that are tucked away in my kids. to see their individual characteristics and special traits that are already being fleshed out. i have loved speaking love and affirmation to my babies in naming specifically the colors and qualities of their “crown.”