broken vessels

the kids and i were sitting in my tiny closet a few weeks ago, riding out a tornado warning. i had my face buried in my phone as a distraction but i quickly realized that they needed me to be strong for them. in trembling voices, they kept asking me if we were going to be ok. honestly it took all i had to hold back tears of fear and anger that i was in that position. sometimes i don’t want to be the strong one. but in this life of single mom, i don’t have a choice. and as God spoke to me earlier this year, i am to flourish where i am planted, no matter the circumstances. we have had several storms recently, health scares and waiting for answers…terrified kid being poked and prodded at doctor’s visits, scared sibling over what’s happening to brother. sister facing growing pains of emotional lability. to top it off, pure exhaustion from running a million miles a minute trying to keep up with full time work, summer activities, and everything in between. i am thankful that i get to be the comforter and their rock but in this season, i am cracking. i know they have seen glimpses of my weakness seeping out of those cracks.

just as we talked in that closet about how our house is on a strong foundation and made of brick, likely to keep us safe from the tornado, i have been constantly reminded that my foundation must be in God. i don’t really know how to make sense of that all the time; i prefer tangible answers but in the winds of uncertainty i have experienced peace manifested through friends offering to help, to talk, to listen, to pray…it doesn’t get more tangible than that.

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.” matthew 7:24

and this will always happen…“Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.” matthew 8:26

and when my kids happen to see my tears or anguish, seeping through the cracks, i pray that in their eyes, they see light…i pray they see the supernatural power of Christ shining through those cracks as He is picking me up and putting me back together. we pray a lot. together as a family. i ask them for forgiveness when i mess up. i apologize that i am not always enough…and ultimately we thank God that He is enough.